Where have I been?

The last time I even read my blog post, let alone wrote one, was well over nine months ago. I should be ashamed. How relaxing it is to do this, yes?
So much has changed. My life has become so uplifting and...fearless I suppose I can say.

I'm finding it very difficult to begin this, not knowing where to start considering it's been so long. It's like picking up an old book that you once loved but you have to wipe and blow all the dust off that's accumulated and then you feel slightly sad because you know how much you loved that book but you set it down far too long.

Then you start it all over again and the love and freshness swoops over like nothing has even happened.

Today is a beautiful warm November day and Thanksgiving is just one week away. The thought of that is truly bittersweet because the Holidays are my favorite time of the year. Once they are over there is this sadness of packing back up the memories, laughter, and family bonding time that you have waited all year for, and now you have to wait a year again. It comes and goes far, far too quickly.
This year, however, is COMPLETELY new to me! I have been married six months now, and this will be my first Holiday season with my new hubby Josiah. Such a sweet lad he is... So put together, yet stays a full child at heart. I love that.
I just can't believe how Martha Stewart I have gone since being married though. I'm excited over silly things that I never would have found exciting! Like, laundry soap and how to make your own. No kidding. (Using a mixture of Borax, a bar of Fels Naptha, and Arm and Hammer washing soda)
I know. Crazy. In the long run this saves you tons of money and you end up having laundry soap forevs.
What in the world, why did I get on the topic of clothes soap. Back to HOLIDAYS!
I feel like Santa Claus too, man. I've been buying presents each paycheck I receive and I truly believe I have outdone my husband. Poor guy doesn't even know what to get me. He is just way easy to shop for. For crying out loud I could hand him a jar of applesauce and he would think I was handing him a brick of gold and chocolate. This is just one of the many, many things I love about him. We have decided to purchase a real tree this year because he has never had one in his life. That is indeed a sad thing. I can do without the daggum needles and watering the thing with sugar sweet water every other day. Sheesh. Actually, when I think about Christmas trees, all I think about is my cat Cloven attempting to be the topper of the tree. This is going to be so interesting. I can already hear Josiah yelling at the poor girl, while I stand in the back in a complete fit of devious laughter. See, Cloven and I understand each other, despite the fact she is a feline. If you become a cat lover, you tend to become a cat. Hopefully she won't hate be after today though.. I sent her off to the vet to have a little kitty hysterectomy. The thought of having baby kittens around is so warm and bubbly, but I can't risk it. Poor Josiah would most likely have a mental breakdown. I won't lie, I'm sure being married to me has been a tremendous catastrophe at times and I am so thankful that he has come with me this far. Josiah has helped me through so many obstacles that I could never have performed on my own. He's my best friend and is always there to cheer me on. I do my very best to be the same for him.

This feels good being able to briefly write a small over view of my life. I'm sure I could keep rambling but I should start saving up stories and what not for later rambling.

A new kick.

It's amazing how quickly things change. A few days ago, I was working as a barista in a local coffee shop here in my city. The next thing I know I have another job placed before me that I never thought would be and option for me to do. I'll be helping families in poverty, making sure their kids are safe, and being someone they can talk to if they needed anything at all, or even just a friend. I can say that I am not completely comfortable with this quick drastic change. If I was not asked to do this job, I would have never even heard of it.

When I would really start feeling scared, I could feel that it is what I am supposed to do. These people that I am going to be helping is what God trained me for my entire life. I grew up in their situations and was rescued from it when I came to know Christ. I love using the word "rescue".

You don't get to use it very often.

I know it's by the grace of God that this is now what I'll be doing. I will actually be helping people, serving them so they can meet their family's needs. It's a great honor to me.
I go in this morning to get paperwork filled out, and go over everything that is going to be accomplished for the next few months. I will also be directed where my office will be. There's another thing I thought I would never say.. "MY OFFICE"
ooooo I'm so sophisticated. :)

Blockage, baggage, and packages.

I used to love doing this, now I feel like I am forcing myself. Words don't come like they used to, or I am forgetting everything.

How many chances do I have?

I woke up really early this morning feeling refreshed and happy, even though I barely reached six hours of sleep. I woke up thankful, at peace, and my mind was not racing like it used to just 28 hours ago. I knew Someone was there with me the whole night I slept, even through the odd dreams and distractions that hit during REM.
I want to say that I feel a little off right now, but that just doesn't seem like the right word for the goodness that it really is. Maybe I can say that I feel like I've just got home from the hospital after a massive brain surgery. I think the Surgeon poked around with my heart too while He was at it. I literally feel my mind ticking in a whole new way. The more I think about it, the more it feels like I'm truly living every moment like tomorrow is not promised. Right now, I feel like I should spend some time to describe how truly wonderful this life I have is and how much time I have wasted worrying and putting things aside. I have been given a new life, new eyes, and a new perspective on everything and everyone. My heart feels like it's been injected with love serum and doused in a thick sheet of gold... I'm not even sure how it's still pumping.
I also feel a little weary or like my guards are up so high that I never want to have a mistake in my life ever again, even though there is no stopping that. It's life. Things like that just HAPPEN with or without our own doing. I also feel like something is prodding at me, and I can't put my finger on what it is.
I just pray that all of this comes clear, that my mind will be fully at peace with everything and that I be exactly where the Lord wants me to be.

I was a mopey Holland today... But! Everything can be fixed when you have a lovely friend to go to who is wise and highly understandable. I feel totally blessed to have someone in my life that is willing to sit with me for a couple hours over coffee, see a few tears, hear a lot of complaining, and still be smiling the whole time knowing that everything is going to be alright in the end.
I feel like I've hit a stone wall the past week, with thoughts of madness, worry, self pity, low self esteem, and a little of every other negative thought that a person would pound on themselves. All you need is a little courage to sit with someone, dump your worries out in front of the two of you, and piece together solutions that have been knocking on your door but you're too caught up in the moment of your feelings to realize what you should do next. Yes, this has totally been me all along.
I'm going to step aside, analyze all of the troubles, set them aside and finally open the door to the solutions that are, daDUH, right there in my face.

Sometimes, it's really hard to decide what to do next.. That's when people and prayer come to play. I'm thinking about taking a drastic step (in my eyes anyway), and getting out of school for awhile. *Gasp!* Really, what's the point of putting so much stress and pressure on yourself when you aren't working for anything. I have no friggin idea what I'm going to do with myself, where I'm going, or what I would like to do as a career. Seriously, a career is the last thing that I have ever thought about. I'm going to be looking for a full time job, get myself together on my own with a couple pals, and let God show me who I am. I always try to take control of everything, but right now the best thing to do is fork it over to God and stop being such a control freak. He knows me better than I know me so He knows where I'm going.. He always has.

Another thing: I've been incredibly hard on myself. I lie to myself every single day, put more weight on my shoulders, and thinking I'm going to die every second. Piff. I think I'm finally ready to take another leap in this chapter just to see where it takes me. It may be quite a while for that matter but God's timing has always been better than my own.

The taste of true colors

I tend to over think every time I consider making a new post. But this time, it's strictly going to be the illumination of my mind and what has been intoxicating it. Yes, it is intoxicating.

For the past two years, I have given myself room to figure out my own mind, ticks, motions, and future. I've come to knowing God and listening to other peoples beliefs. I've caught a glimpse of eternal fear and and dubbed to never have encounters with it again. I've also relied on others far too much.. So much that I was completely defeating the purpose of attempting to find myself. I gave up so many things in order to please others, I've created my own masks in ways to cope or distract myself from truly disturbing things, and I've also colored outside the lines of life which normally ended as a mistake, but truthfully I learned some important things that have broadened my perspective and gave me a new outlook on the future.

Let's just get one thing clear: Life is full of choices. You choose this, that, and those. You will NEVER avoid the concept of choice. I have chosen to do the things I feel comfortable with, whether they end terribly or not. People have done much worse things, and have come much further in the end. If one analyzes what they have done thoroughly, they may find it to be quite a beautiful story. Yes, your very own adventure that you CHOSE to create with every thought and decision you took. Then you can look at yourself again and accept the fact that you are not, nor ever will be, perfect. If you attempt, you will go nuts, you will end up hating yourself, and life will be too much for you to bare. There is only one perfect being, and you know exactly Who I am talking about.

I've had a bit of a shake up as of late, and noticed how imperfect the people I love are. It truly made me honored to look upon myself and pick out my imperfections to avoid my human minds attempt to pick people to pieces. The only thing that kept me focused was the fact that no matter what I do or think or even attempt, God is going to be there. He already knows what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, and exactly how this post is going to end and who is going to read it.

My biggest pinpoint is that everyone should stop analyzing others lives as a thin sheet of glass. They shouldn't look at someone and think "Oh, it's going to be tragic for them.." How awful and selfish to do such a thing! I've caught myself doing this in the past, and realized how sick I felt afterwards. Does this feeling not settle on anyone else? I'm a little disturbed by those who I put a lot of trust in. It's taught me to not rely on those of whomever, but to lean against the Lord and all that He does.

This past month, I've made a new friend and it's someone that I feel God led me to and allowed me to realize what a wonderful person they can be despite their past. Everyone needs someone to talk to to..and when there is no one, God will send someone if it is requested. I'm putting this puzzle together that no one is capable in seeing but Him, so the only thing they know to do is raise an eyebrow, attempt to judge innocently, or act in a sense of subconscious jealousy. It hurts me to watch this, and feel what I felt this past weekend in the people who I thought loved me. I wasn't the only person, seeing that affected my very own sister. We each felt it just as strong that it brought her to tears. The assumptions of others is truly a poison that can be looked at just as terribly as jealousy is considered.

We are all human. It's not my place to point fingers out of anger or call someone out by name.. All I can merely do is look to God and pray for those in situations as such, and for myself to get through these thoughts that make me want to walk away. No one is the victim in this, yet everyone is. That's human nature for you.

Feeling of Freedom

Ahhh... Assumptions. Let's all assume something, shall we? C'mon..we're human. It's a terrible thing, yes?
I think so too.
We all love how people assume something about us. They think they know just what makes us tick. I've stated too much of myself that I'm not even sure I want it to be true anymore. I've said things I really shouldn't have to some, possibly in a way just to make them appreciate me a little bit more. "Why do you do that to yourself?" I ask myself often. In my point of view, that falls into the Degrading category. Glimpsing back at choices I recently made, the feeling that makes me cringe is overwhelming.

So, I close my eyes. Clear my heart. Go to God. Which I've done, and it's perfectly stated in bold in front of me exactly who I am, and exactly who I am not that I thought I was.

The typical me, who I thought was me, would dwell on finding a perfect love. Of course, my flesh took control of this, went raging, and lead me through paths of fear, regret, manipulation, insanity, and lies. Half of which came from my own self. How could I possible allow this to happen or to even thought of it? Where was my spirit?
Truth is, as of now, there's is no sense in finding someone to be compatible with me. There's only one person that loves me enough to the extent of no matter what I do, what I say, how I act, or any small (or huge) mistake I could possibly make, they are always going to have this love for me that no one else can even come close to a comparison with. Of course, it's the Lord. It took me so long to accept this fact. He can literally fill in any gap that I would try to fill on my own by hunting down someone and leave it ending in a train wreck.
Now, I have developed my standards set so high, that anyone who is going to walk into my life is going to be compared with Jesus.
I can't even begin to explain the feeling I have for being such a inconsiderate fool to this gift of such a loving person. I've abused the suffering He went through, all because He loved me to save me from my own selfish tendencies.

Scary, huh? Imagine what's it's like to be the one wearing these shoes.

I love looking at this clean slate in front of me. How beautiful it feels to finally have it in my grasp. My journey gets deeper everyday that passes, and the seed that is inside develops another root. I can see it in my mind, the beginning of a tree is forming with such a small sprout already in perfect view.

This is the beginning of year number two, and I have finally found the one True love of my life and will wait fully on His timing when the one He's created for me takes his first step into my consideration. It feels good to stop taking the reins myself for a change.
I just hope the guy is prepared to stand next to Jesus.

Now, am I prepared to stand next to Jesus?

Nope. So, there's lots of work to do. I'm beginning to get used to God's timing and allowing this present time to focus on introducing myself to..myself. No longer will I feed others assumptions so I can walk around and be the assumed Barbie doll that everyone saw coming.

Who knew a few weeks could change so many thoughts.