I have been debating for days now whether to begin blabbing online, mindlessly thinking through a keyboard for any pair of eyes to read. I feel like it could help me a lot, like a venting sort of way. Today felt a little different then usual, so I took it as a hint to do something different. As I'm thinking of what to type, I notice that I can see what keys I hit the most on my keypad. Q, G, and P seem to be the freshest looking and there is a dark spot where my thumb hits the space bar. Mindless typing yet? Let's try something different.
How about describing what triggered me to pour my guts out.
The past few months have been a total roller coaster. I had no idea that I didn't even know who I was. I have spent eighteen years of my life thinking I was going to do one thing, make it big..rule the world blah blah. Then I asked myself "Why? Why am I doing the same thing over and over? Letting the same people tell me what to do? Get walked on by the same crowd? Feel like I need to look a certain way and have a certain aspect on everything everyone does?" All of this seemed stupid to me one after another. I finally realized I needed to stop what everyone else was focusing so much on, ask God for some help, and just let Him have at it. It totally worked.
For some time I thought I was losing it all. I jumped a few cliffs, said my good byes, and walked to a completely different beat then what I was used to. I didn't lose a thing, but only gained the knowledge I longed for all my life that I just couldn't find in school, or with the group I was with everyday. People hated me. They called me a "Two-faced bitch", "Stupid", "Closed minded", "Boring", "Crazy".
I didn't care. Never did. I still loved all of them and to this day I think about every person that has ever been confused as to where I wondered off to. I never feel the anger like I once had, or the fear of taking the chance. If I would have stayed doing the same thing over and over like I was, I would have either:
A) Became famous, and Lady GaGa's best friend
or
B) Stayed living in the same old town, in a beat up apartment, with a dead end job. Probably preggers.
But no. I decided to plan my trips around the world, to England, Philippines, and Australia. I have so many connections now that I never had before. They were all right in front of me but I was ignoring them and trying to please everyone else. Or myself, it's hard to determine.
I think all I am trying to get out is I am okay. Okay with not knowing when something is about to happen, but always remembering that it is good and there's a reason for it. I am sorry for the way I bailed on everyone, but it was for a reason that is truly the hardest thing for me to explain in words. I think it would take novel..or several hours of major bloggage, to get remotely close to the explanation I have. I gave it to God, yo.
It's the best thing I have ever done.
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