The Brain, the Gut, the Heart.

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, which normally means I haven't been on the anger binge that struck me a month ago that decided to birth this whole ordeal. I'm not complaining for it's like a wonderful vacation of the mind, soul, and body..just not quite Heaven. Ahh and when that day comes, it will be pure painless bliss with no anger whatsoever. No matter what the suffering will take for me to get there.

Actually, a lot has been on this plate of life as of late that I'm surprised I'm not trying to jump off the deep end. The semester is coming to a close, my best friend will be gone for a thousand days, and this is going to be my first summer in my new life. It's pretty scary to think about it like this, and really visualize it but I feel like God is telling me right now "I got your back" no matter how alone I feel physically. That's comforting. I've been thinking a lot this evening about the future. Like I'm jumping forward too quickly, my mind thinking about getting married constantly and wondering if I ever will. Literally, it's one of the main things bugging me day to day, 77% of the time. I mean, I feel old. Some days I look the part totally. But where am I?

There's no real point that I'm trying to make here, just rambling. When I started this entry, I know I had something important to say but the words will not come out.
I'm just getting urges to rush. It makes it hard to hear God and what He wants me to do. I see the difference in myself, the choices I make everyday, and the way I am able to act around people. How and why would anyone want to deny this? Deny Him? I don't see how anyone can walk through life without His guidance. It is physically and mentally impossible for me now, whether I'm alone in it or not.

All I can really feel at this very moment is I need some jazz. A kick in the face. A rush. A soda to my pop. Am I getting it through? I feel like an ex-adrenaline junkie who is in need of a fix. Is that safe to say? Well I'm saying it anyway. I'm beginning to see the ruts behind me, doing the same thing over and over. I want the next chapter to start.

I think He heard me.