Don't think I have forgotten about my beloved bloggage. It seems to be something that takes a little thought, love, and creativity to keep a reader reading.
It matters to me.
I need some brain food and a moment to have some thought process to be capable in putting my thoughts into words. That time is coming shortly.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Friday
if writing a thousand words would get process
if saving every burden through burning truth of reality
what would it take
the falling undergoing trance
the elegance that life takes for granted
from skin and bone to smoke and mirrors
it's not the same as it is here
what am i to say
how am i to walk
without falling, without knowing
when our flame fades out, we'll know how to keep it burning
singeing the core of one's self.
walk backwards, stumble, turn back, whip lash
it takes its toll on a poor humans soul
if this is fate, i'm holding fast
my hands are waiting, shaking
taking on a fearful past
only to tear it all down
the air is no longer dry
instead of choking to survive
there is comfort
life
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mark 8:34
The scripture of Mark 8:34 has really been popping out at me a lot lately. I have yet to read Mark fully, but at random moments of my life this scripture seems to follow me. I've really read it hard this morning, and I finally figured out why.
The scripture says "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me." I never quite understood what taking up the cross meant so I read a little more and found out that the cross of Christ is a symbol of suffering. Of course! It's also the symbol of death, shame, ridicule, rejection, and self-denial. When we as believers take up our cross and follow Christ, we deny our own selves and commit ourselves to these areas of struggling.
Now I completely understand. I sometimes have these temptations to wonder back into my old self, mainly because I get really low in my own world, or just bored out of my wits. This is the moment where you have to get out of that state of mind, and completely forge over to the mind of God. Quite frankly, if I were to wonder back into my old self, doing the same thing I used to do months ago, I would not be getting anywhere. Where I am standing now in this point in my life, I never would have thought I'd be here a year ago.
Where was I a year ago?
Cursing high school.
Hating everyone I looked at.
Smoking a lot of cigarettes.
Almost not graduating.
Lost in a selfish relationship.
No family bondage.
My life was a sugar coated hell.
Where am I a year later?
First year of college, DONE.
Art teaching ahead, DONE.
Out to serve God and live the life that He planned, DONE.
Serving others, DONE.
Loving and attempting to help everyone I see instead of hating them, DONE.
No selfish relationships, a HUGE family of friends and of God, and awaiting this exciting life I have finally allowed God to take control of, DONE DONE DONE.
So, to be honest, I never want to go back to where I used to be! The only thing I want now is pray that everyone I used to do these selfish acts with, would follow God and hang with me again! Yeaaaaaaah...that's a nice dream. It's not impossible either. God works miracles, I'm walking proof.
Wow. I've just gone to show myself through this blog that this is just the beginning. I really do struggle, fall down, cry, get angry, get afraid, and feel worthless. This is the hardest chapter I have ever opened in my life, and I guess that's what makes it exciting. I never know what's going to happen, and so far it's been good. I have to remind myself that God's in control, He's good, and He's merciful. I just want everyone else to see this.
The scripture says "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me." I never quite understood what taking up the cross meant so I read a little more and found out that the cross of Christ is a symbol of suffering. Of course! It's also the symbol of death, shame, ridicule, rejection, and self-denial. When we as believers take up our cross and follow Christ, we deny our own selves and commit ourselves to these areas of struggling.
Now I completely understand. I sometimes have these temptations to wonder back into my old self, mainly because I get really low in my own world, or just bored out of my wits. This is the moment where you have to get out of that state of mind, and completely forge over to the mind of God. Quite frankly, if I were to wonder back into my old self, doing the same thing I used to do months ago, I would not be getting anywhere. Where I am standing now in this point in my life, I never would have thought I'd be here a year ago.
Where was I a year ago?
Cursing high school.
Hating everyone I looked at.
Smoking a lot of cigarettes.
Almost not graduating.
Lost in a selfish relationship.
No family bondage.
My life was a sugar coated hell.
Where am I a year later?
First year of college, DONE.
Art teaching ahead, DONE.
Out to serve God and live the life that He planned, DONE.
Serving others, DONE.
Loving and attempting to help everyone I see instead of hating them, DONE.
No selfish relationships, a HUGE family of friends and of God, and awaiting this exciting life I have finally allowed God to take control of, DONE DONE DONE.
So, to be honest, I never want to go back to where I used to be! The only thing I want now is pray that everyone I used to do these selfish acts with, would follow God and hang with me again! Yeaaaaaaah...that's a nice dream. It's not impossible either. God works miracles, I'm walking proof.
Wow. I've just gone to show myself through this blog that this is just the beginning. I really do struggle, fall down, cry, get angry, get afraid, and feel worthless. This is the hardest chapter I have ever opened in my life, and I guess that's what makes it exciting. I never know what's going to happen, and so far it's been good. I have to remind myself that God's in control, He's good, and He's merciful. I just want everyone else to see this.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Brain, the Gut, the Heart.
I haven't blogged in quite sometime, which normally means I haven't been on the anger binge that struck me a month ago that decided to birth this whole ordeal. I'm not complaining for it's like a wonderful vacation of the mind, soul, and body..just not quite Heaven. Ahh and when that day comes, it will be pure painless bliss with no anger whatsoever. No matter what the suffering will take for me to get there.
Actually, a lot has been on this plate of life as of late that I'm surprised I'm not trying to jump off the deep end. The semester is coming to a close, my best friend will be gone for a thousand days, and this is going to be my first summer in my new life. It's pretty scary to think about it like this, and really visualize it but I feel like God is telling me right now "I got your back" no matter how alone I feel physically. That's comforting. I've been thinking a lot this evening about the future. Like I'm jumping forward too quickly, my mind thinking about getting married constantly and wondering if I ever will. Literally, it's one of the main things bugging me day to day, 77% of the time. I mean, I feel old. Some days I look the part totally. But where am I?
There's no real point that I'm trying to make here, just rambling. When I started this entry, I know I had something important to say but the words will not come out.
I'm just getting urges to rush. It makes it hard to hear God and what He wants me to do. I see the difference in myself, the choices I make everyday, and the way I am able to act around people. How and why would anyone want to deny this? Deny Him? I don't see how anyone can walk through life without His guidance. It is physically and mentally impossible for me now, whether I'm alone in it or not.
All I can really feel at this very moment is I need some jazz. A kick in the face. A rush. A soda to my pop. Am I getting it through? I feel like an ex-adrenaline junkie who is in need of a fix. Is that safe to say? Well I'm saying it anyway. I'm beginning to see the ruts behind me, doing the same thing over and over. I want the next chapter to start.
I think He heard me.
Actually, a lot has been on this plate of life as of late that I'm surprised I'm not trying to jump off the deep end. The semester is coming to a close, my best friend will be gone for a thousand days, and this is going to be my first summer in my new life. It's pretty scary to think about it like this, and really visualize it but I feel like God is telling me right now "I got your back" no matter how alone I feel physically. That's comforting. I've been thinking a lot this evening about the future. Like I'm jumping forward too quickly, my mind thinking about getting married constantly and wondering if I ever will. Literally, it's one of the main things bugging me day to day, 77% of the time. I mean, I feel old. Some days I look the part totally. But where am I?
There's no real point that I'm trying to make here, just rambling. When I started this entry, I know I had something important to say but the words will not come out.
I'm just getting urges to rush. It makes it hard to hear God and what He wants me to do. I see the difference in myself, the choices I make everyday, and the way I am able to act around people. How and why would anyone want to deny this? Deny Him? I don't see how anyone can walk through life without His guidance. It is physically and mentally impossible for me now, whether I'm alone in it or not.
All I can really feel at this very moment is I need some jazz. A kick in the face. A rush. A soda to my pop. Am I getting it through? I feel like an ex-adrenaline junkie who is in need of a fix. Is that safe to say? Well I'm saying it anyway. I'm beginning to see the ruts behind me, doing the same thing over and over. I want the next chapter to start.
I think He heard me.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
No Title.
Sometimes, I really do want a tornado to come and take everything away just so I can start all over with a perfectly clean slate.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter is my new favorite holiday
I was wondering to myself this morning while getting ready for church, why isn't Easter celebrated like Christmas is? To me, Easter is just as important, if not more important, then Christmas. The birth of Jesus is totally awesome and all, but the fact that he rose from the dead for us undeserving individuals is just astonishing. It boggles my mind to think "what IF he didn't die..we'd be totally doomed."
I can't emphasize how much I am so thankful that this Easter day has meant so much to me. It's the first year I haven't received an Easter basket, and I'm so happy I didn't! It's not about fancy eggs, the search for them, and a flippin' bunny creepin' in our homes. Which is cute and such, but the meaning of it is so deep that my mind can trail off about it forever.
I'm impressed with myself at this moment, as well. I am blogging without having an inch of anger or sense of needing to rant mindlessly. Just goes to show ya, all you need is Jesus.
You can go ahead and keep rolling your eyes if you think differently, but it's the hard honest truth. No one can make it in life without Him.
This blog is short and to the point. I'm off to bed early tonight to attempt on getting my old healthy sleep pattern back. I hope everyone's Easter Day has been special and full of meaning, just as it has for me.
I can't emphasize how much I am so thankful that this Easter day has meant so much to me. It's the first year I haven't received an Easter basket, and I'm so happy I didn't! It's not about fancy eggs, the search for them, and a flippin' bunny creepin' in our homes. Which is cute and such, but the meaning of it is so deep that my mind can trail off about it forever.
I'm impressed with myself at this moment, as well. I am blogging without having an inch of anger or sense of needing to rant mindlessly. Just goes to show ya, all you need is Jesus.
You can go ahead and keep rolling your eyes if you think differently, but it's the hard honest truth. No one can make it in life without Him.
This blog is short and to the point. I'm off to bed early tonight to attempt on getting my old healthy sleep pattern back. I hope everyone's Easter Day has been special and full of meaning, just as it has for me.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Crazy is as crazy does
They say that some of the most crazy people are the best ones. I'm going to keep telling myself that until I know it's true. The fact that no one really knows what crazy is, or does, makes it that much easier.
A life like mine would be typical to a lot of American kids. Starts off really good, family feuds begin, things break up, get destroyed, and horrible mind games begin to soar. This doesn't feel like it should be very typical.
When things in life begin to change so fast that you can't stop it, that's when you'll feel the madness in the back of your head telling you "Yeah, you're really on the edge now. Can I shove you? It will be quick and painless, but will bleed forever." I've become so connected with much higher beings for well over a year now and I've seen dramatic changes in my lifestyle. The way I look at people and how I even speak to others are small things that I notice everyday . I don't find some stuff funny like I used to, and sometimes I wonder why I found interest in the things I used to do that were in no way appealing to my overall status. Other times I wonder if I have fallen into someones trick to making me believe something, or how things should be. It makes me sick to hear that thought. Therefore, I do not trust it, and I'm going to keep pushing. Not even if someone I'm close with loses faith and completely draws back from it all.
I said it once, and I'll say it again; I have no idea where I am going in life. I just know that I'm going. It's not gonna stop either. Careers, money, and people are not going to make my life complete. Yes, they are lovely to have around and it makes things a whole lot easier, but the fact is, if anyone is looking for the ultimate happiness, it's with the one and only God.
Done deal.
A life like mine would be typical to a lot of American kids. Starts off really good, family feuds begin, things break up, get destroyed, and horrible mind games begin to soar. This doesn't feel like it should be very typical.
When things in life begin to change so fast that you can't stop it, that's when you'll feel the madness in the back of your head telling you "Yeah, you're really on the edge now. Can I shove you? It will be quick and painless, but will bleed forever." I've become so connected with much higher beings for well over a year now and I've seen dramatic changes in my lifestyle. The way I look at people and how I even speak to others are small things that I notice everyday . I don't find some stuff funny like I used to, and sometimes I wonder why I found interest in the things I used to do that were in no way appealing to my overall status. Other times I wonder if I have fallen into someones trick to making me believe something, or how things should be. It makes me sick to hear that thought. Therefore, I do not trust it, and I'm going to keep pushing. Not even if someone I'm close with loses faith and completely draws back from it all.
I said it once, and I'll say it again; I have no idea where I am going in life. I just know that I'm going. It's not gonna stop either. Careers, money, and people are not going to make my life complete. Yes, they are lovely to have around and it makes things a whole lot easier, but the fact is, if anyone is looking for the ultimate happiness, it's with the one and only God.
Done deal.
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