The taste of true colors

I tend to over think every time I consider making a new post. But this time, it's strictly going to be the illumination of my mind and what has been intoxicating it. Yes, it is intoxicating.

For the past two years, I have given myself room to figure out my own mind, ticks, motions, and future. I've come to knowing God and listening to other peoples beliefs. I've caught a glimpse of eternal fear and and dubbed to never have encounters with it again. I've also relied on others far too much.. So much that I was completely defeating the purpose of attempting to find myself. I gave up so many things in order to please others, I've created my own masks in ways to cope or distract myself from truly disturbing things, and I've also colored outside the lines of life which normally ended as a mistake, but truthfully I learned some important things that have broadened my perspective and gave me a new outlook on the future.

Let's just get one thing clear: Life is full of choices. You choose this, that, and those. You will NEVER avoid the concept of choice. I have chosen to do the things I feel comfortable with, whether they end terribly or not. People have done much worse things, and have come much further in the end. If one analyzes what they have done thoroughly, they may find it to be quite a beautiful story. Yes, your very own adventure that you CHOSE to create with every thought and decision you took. Then you can look at yourself again and accept the fact that you are not, nor ever will be, perfect. If you attempt, you will go nuts, you will end up hating yourself, and life will be too much for you to bare. There is only one perfect being, and you know exactly Who I am talking about.

I've had a bit of a shake up as of late, and noticed how imperfect the people I love are. It truly made me honored to look upon myself and pick out my imperfections to avoid my human minds attempt to pick people to pieces. The only thing that kept me focused was the fact that no matter what I do or think or even attempt, God is going to be there. He already knows what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, and exactly how this post is going to end and who is going to read it.

My biggest pinpoint is that everyone should stop analyzing others lives as a thin sheet of glass. They shouldn't look at someone and think "Oh, it's going to be tragic for them.." How awful and selfish to do such a thing! I've caught myself doing this in the past, and realized how sick I felt afterwards. Does this feeling not settle on anyone else? I'm a little disturbed by those who I put a lot of trust in. It's taught me to not rely on those of whomever, but to lean against the Lord and all that He does.

This past month, I've made a new friend and it's someone that I feel God led me to and allowed me to realize what a wonderful person they can be despite their past. Everyone needs someone to talk to to..and when there is no one, God will send someone if it is requested. I'm putting this puzzle together that no one is capable in seeing but Him, so the only thing they know to do is raise an eyebrow, attempt to judge innocently, or act in a sense of subconscious jealousy. It hurts me to watch this, and feel what I felt this past weekend in the people who I thought loved me. I wasn't the only person, seeing that affected my very own sister. We each felt it just as strong that it brought her to tears. The assumptions of others is truly a poison that can be looked at just as terribly as jealousy is considered.

We are all human. It's not my place to point fingers out of anger or call someone out by name.. All I can merely do is look to God and pray for those in situations as such, and for myself to get through these thoughts that make me want to walk away. No one is the victim in this, yet everyone is. That's human nature for you.

Feeling of Freedom

Ahhh... Assumptions. Let's all assume something, shall we? C'mon..we're human. It's a terrible thing, yes?
I think so too.
We all love how people assume something about us. They think they know just what makes us tick. I've stated too much of myself that I'm not even sure I want it to be true anymore. I've said things I really shouldn't have to some, possibly in a way just to make them appreciate me a little bit more. "Why do you do that to yourself?" I ask myself often. In my point of view, that falls into the Degrading category. Glimpsing back at choices I recently made, the feeling that makes me cringe is overwhelming.

So, I close my eyes. Clear my heart. Go to God. Which I've done, and it's perfectly stated in bold in front of me exactly who I am, and exactly who I am not that I thought I was.

The typical me, who I thought was me, would dwell on finding a perfect love. Of course, my flesh took control of this, went raging, and lead me through paths of fear, regret, manipulation, insanity, and lies. Half of which came from my own self. How could I possible allow this to happen or to even thought of it? Where was my spirit?
Truth is, as of now, there's is no sense in finding someone to be compatible with me. There's only one person that loves me enough to the extent of no matter what I do, what I say, how I act, or any small (or huge) mistake I could possibly make, they are always going to have this love for me that no one else can even come close to a comparison with. Of course, it's the Lord. It took me so long to accept this fact. He can literally fill in any gap that I would try to fill on my own by hunting down someone and leave it ending in a train wreck.
Now, I have developed my standards set so high, that anyone who is going to walk into my life is going to be compared with Jesus.
I can't even begin to explain the feeling I have for being such a inconsiderate fool to this gift of such a loving person. I've abused the suffering He went through, all because He loved me to save me from my own selfish tendencies.

Scary, huh? Imagine what's it's like to be the one wearing these shoes.

I love looking at this clean slate in front of me. How beautiful it feels to finally have it in my grasp. My journey gets deeper everyday that passes, and the seed that is inside develops another root. I can see it in my mind, the beginning of a tree is forming with such a small sprout already in perfect view.

This is the beginning of year number two, and I have finally found the one True love of my life and will wait fully on His timing when the one He's created for me takes his first step into my consideration. It feels good to stop taking the reins myself for a change.
I just hope the guy is prepared to stand next to Jesus.

Now, am I prepared to stand next to Jesus?

Nope. So, there's lots of work to do. I'm beginning to get used to God's timing and allowing this present time to focus on introducing myself to..myself. No longer will I feed others assumptions so I can walk around and be the assumed Barbie doll that everyone saw coming.

Who knew a few weeks could change so many thoughts.

There is always a beginning, which means there will always be an end. Sometimes the end comes pretty rough, and leaves a couple battle marks on a persons mind. But through the whole process, there is development, and there is an outcome or reason as to why something had to happen, no matter the case.

The past few days have felt this way for me. My eyes are opening to things around me that if I didn't give myself the chance to think deep, then I would have missed them completely. It's hard to put a grip on it, but at the same time it lets me think "OK. Now I have something to pray about." Anyone can watch things fall apart. It's easy to do, so easy that without even realizing, I can allow myself to do the same thing. When you come to realize, there is always an answer. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been allowing myself to feel helpless recently. I have watched someones life literally fall apart, witnessing one thing after another and the only thing I could think to do was to be thankful I was there with them when it all happened. I'm trusting God more and more that this has to be one of His mysterious ways of working in someones life. I love this person as if they were my whole world, and having to see heart wrenching things occur and bring this person to their knees in tears is something that I never want to see again. It hurt, and still does as I continue to think it through. There is something changing in lives through all of this. Teaching all of us for patience and trust. It's beautiful if you look at it that way. We are all the clay in the potters hands, that is.

At this moment, I know that I need God more than ever. I can only hope for a miracle to keep my hope burning. Bringing someone to their knees really means something much deeper than I believe the human mind can grasp. I'm excited to continue in the chapter and watch a miracle unravel.

Tis Not the End!

Don't think I have forgotten about my beloved bloggage. It seems to be something that takes a little thought, love, and creativity to keep a reader reading.
It matters to me.

I need some brain food and a moment to have some thought process to be capable in putting my thoughts into words. That time is coming shortly.

Friday

if writing a thousand words would get process

if saving every burden through burning truth of reality

what would it take

the falling undergoing trance

the elegance that life takes for granted

from skin and bone to smoke and mirrors

it's not the same as it is here

what am i to say

how am i to walk

without falling, without knowing

when our flame fades out, we'll know how to keep it burning

singeing the core of one's self.

walk backwards, stumble, turn back, whip lash

it takes its toll on a poor humans soul

if this is fate, i'm holding fast

my hands are waiting, shaking

taking on a fearful past

only to tear it all down

the air is no longer dry

instead of choking to survive

there is comfort

life

Mark 8:34

The scripture of Mark 8:34 has really been popping out at me a lot lately. I have yet to read Mark fully, but at random moments of my life this scripture seems to follow me. I've really read it hard this morning, and I finally figured out why.
The scripture says "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me." I never quite understood what taking up the cross meant so I read a little more and found out that the cross of Christ is a symbol of suffering. Of course! It's also the symbol of death, shame, ridicule, rejection, and self-denial. When we as believers take up our cross and follow Christ, we deny our own selves and commit ourselves to these areas of struggling.
Now I completely understand. I sometimes have these temptations to wonder back into my old self, mainly because I get really low in my own world, or just bored out of my wits. This is the moment where you have to get out of that state of mind, and completely forge over to the mind of God. Quite frankly, if I were to wonder back into my old self, doing the same thing I used to do months ago, I would not be getting anywhere. Where I am standing now in this point in my life, I never would have thought I'd be here a year ago.
Where was I a year ago?
Cursing high school.
Hating everyone I looked at.
Smoking a lot of cigarettes.
Almost not graduating.
Lost in a selfish relationship.
No family bondage.
My life was a sugar coated hell.
Where am I a year later?
First year of college, DONE.
Art teaching ahead, DONE.
Out to serve God and live the life that He planned, DONE.
Serving others, DONE.
Loving and attempting to help everyone I see instead of hating them, DONE.
No selfish relationships, a HUGE family of friends and of God, and awaiting this exciting life I have finally allowed God to take control of, DONE DONE DONE.

So, to be honest, I never want to go back to where I used to be! The only thing I want now is pray that everyone I used to do these selfish acts with, would follow God and hang with me again! Yeaaaaaaah...that's a nice dream. It's not impossible either. God works miracles, I'm walking proof.

Wow. I've just gone to show myself through this blog that this is just the beginning. I really do struggle, fall down, cry, get angry, get afraid, and feel worthless. This is the hardest chapter I have ever opened in my life, and I guess that's what makes it exciting. I never know what's going to happen, and so far it's been good. I have to remind myself that God's in control, He's good, and He's merciful. I just want everyone else to see this.

The Brain, the Gut, the Heart.

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, which normally means I haven't been on the anger binge that struck me a month ago that decided to birth this whole ordeal. I'm not complaining for it's like a wonderful vacation of the mind, soul, and body..just not quite Heaven. Ahh and when that day comes, it will be pure painless bliss with no anger whatsoever. No matter what the suffering will take for me to get there.

Actually, a lot has been on this plate of life as of late that I'm surprised I'm not trying to jump off the deep end. The semester is coming to a close, my best friend will be gone for a thousand days, and this is going to be my first summer in my new life. It's pretty scary to think about it like this, and really visualize it but I feel like God is telling me right now "I got your back" no matter how alone I feel physically. That's comforting. I've been thinking a lot this evening about the future. Like I'm jumping forward too quickly, my mind thinking about getting married constantly and wondering if I ever will. Literally, it's one of the main things bugging me day to day, 77% of the time. I mean, I feel old. Some days I look the part totally. But where am I?

There's no real point that I'm trying to make here, just rambling. When I started this entry, I know I had something important to say but the words will not come out.
I'm just getting urges to rush. It makes it hard to hear God and what He wants me to do. I see the difference in myself, the choices I make everyday, and the way I am able to act around people. How and why would anyone want to deny this? Deny Him? I don't see how anyone can walk through life without His guidance. It is physically and mentally impossible for me now, whether I'm alone in it or not.

All I can really feel at this very moment is I need some jazz. A kick in the face. A rush. A soda to my pop. Am I getting it through? I feel like an ex-adrenaline junkie who is in need of a fix. Is that safe to say? Well I'm saying it anyway. I'm beginning to see the ruts behind me, doing the same thing over and over. I want the next chapter to start.

I think He heard me.