The Brain, the Gut, the Heart.

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, which normally means I haven't been on the anger binge that struck me a month ago that decided to birth this whole ordeal. I'm not complaining for it's like a wonderful vacation of the mind, soul, and body..just not quite Heaven. Ahh and when that day comes, it will be pure painless bliss with no anger whatsoever. No matter what the suffering will take for me to get there.

Actually, a lot has been on this plate of life as of late that I'm surprised I'm not trying to jump off the deep end. The semester is coming to a close, my best friend will be gone for a thousand days, and this is going to be my first summer in my new life. It's pretty scary to think about it like this, and really visualize it but I feel like God is telling me right now "I got your back" no matter how alone I feel physically. That's comforting. I've been thinking a lot this evening about the future. Like I'm jumping forward too quickly, my mind thinking about getting married constantly and wondering if I ever will. Literally, it's one of the main things bugging me day to day, 77% of the time. I mean, I feel old. Some days I look the part totally. But where am I?

There's no real point that I'm trying to make here, just rambling. When I started this entry, I know I had something important to say but the words will not come out.
I'm just getting urges to rush. It makes it hard to hear God and what He wants me to do. I see the difference in myself, the choices I make everyday, and the way I am able to act around people. How and why would anyone want to deny this? Deny Him? I don't see how anyone can walk through life without His guidance. It is physically and mentally impossible for me now, whether I'm alone in it or not.

All I can really feel at this very moment is I need some jazz. A kick in the face. A rush. A soda to my pop. Am I getting it through? I feel like an ex-adrenaline junkie who is in need of a fix. Is that safe to say? Well I'm saying it anyway. I'm beginning to see the ruts behind me, doing the same thing over and over. I want the next chapter to start.

I think He heard me.

No Title.

Sometimes, I really do want a tornado to come and take everything away just so I can start all over with a perfectly clean slate.

Easter is my new favorite holiday

I was wondering to myself this morning while getting ready for church, why isn't Easter celebrated like Christmas is? To me, Easter is just as important, if not more important, then Christmas. The birth of Jesus is totally awesome and all, but the fact that he rose from the dead for us undeserving individuals is just astonishing. It boggles my mind to think "what IF he didn't die..we'd be totally doomed."

I can't emphasize how much I am so thankful that this Easter day has meant so much to me. It's the first year I haven't received an Easter basket, and I'm so happy I didn't! It's not about fancy eggs, the search for them, and a flippin' bunny creepin' in our homes. Which is cute and such, but the meaning of it is so deep that my mind can trail off about it forever.

I'm impressed with myself at this moment, as well. I am blogging without having an inch of anger or sense of needing to rant mindlessly. Just goes to show ya, all you need is Jesus.
You can go ahead and keep rolling your eyes if you think differently, but it's the hard honest truth. No one can make it in life without Him.

This blog is short and to the point. I'm off to bed early tonight to attempt on getting my old healthy sleep pattern back. I hope everyone's Easter Day has been special and full of meaning, just as it has for me.

Crazy is as crazy does

They say that some of the most crazy people are the best ones. I'm going to keep telling myself that until I know it's true. The fact that no one really knows what crazy is, or does, makes it that much easier.

A life like mine would be typical to a lot of American kids. Starts off really good, family feuds begin, things break up, get destroyed, and horrible mind games begin to soar. This doesn't feel like it should be very typical.

When things in life begin to change so fast that you can't stop it, that's when you'll feel the madness in the back of your head telling you "Yeah, you're really on the edge now. Can I shove you? It will be quick and painless, but will bleed forever." I've become so connected with much higher beings for well over a year now and I've seen dramatic changes in my lifestyle. The way I look at people and how I even speak to others are small things that I notice everyday . I don't find some stuff funny like I used to, and sometimes I wonder why I found interest in the things I used to do that were in no way appealing to my overall status. Other times I wonder if I have fallen into someones trick to making me believe something, or how things should be. It makes me sick to hear that thought. Therefore, I do not trust it, and I'm going to keep pushing. Not even if someone I'm close with loses faith and completely draws back from it all.

I said it once, and I'll say it again; I have no idea where I am going in life. I just know that I'm going. It's not gonna stop either. Careers, money, and people are not going to make my life complete. Yes, they are lovely to have around and it makes things a whole lot easier, but the fact is, if anyone is looking for the ultimate happiness, it's with the one and only God.

Done deal.

The first heat must be getting to me

Ever feel like you could crush some bones? Not only in every body you see, but your own? That's how I've been feeling these past few days. I don't know what's working in me, but there is certainly something. I feel sick, but I'm not. I feel tired, but I can't sleep. I want to shake babies, but that's against everything.

What do I do? Babble. Rant. Vent. Because that is why I decided to blog in the first place.
Hey, it's cheaper then anger management.

Why am I so angry all the time anyway? Could it be I've been used, walked on, abused, forgotten, and loved way too much all at the same time? All those extremes can really work wonders on a young gal. What's funny is I rarely show when I have a deep emotion who is disguised as a murder rabbit (like from Monty Python) waiting to kill everything in sight. How do I do it? I'm really asking because I don't have a clue. I spent this whole day doing some serious hard work, like the kind that makes you say "Ouch, my spleen.." in hopes of ventilating this fiery fume within without the use of a keyboard. Didn't work.

I'm slowly beginning to realize that no matter how much I try and cover up the fact that I am happy being alone, I'm seriously not. Not in a sense of dating, just in general. I'm literally a person that needs to be around another sociable people at all times. If I'm not, I get incredibly bored and therefore, I truly lose it. I even pace sometimes. I've tried everything from writing freehand, music, drawing, more music, walking my dog, talking to animals..Eliza Thornberry could do it and that woman was never bored. But how could you get bored with such an irregular shaped head? That has nothing to do with what the purpose of me writing this is, so back to reality.

I'm trying to allow this to help me, but it feels deeper then that. Sometimes I feel that if I moved into an old refrigerator box in an alley downtown, my life would seem more appealing in my own eyes. I could be that creepy chick that creeps into someones life, talks to them a while, gets a quarter, and is content. I would then play heads-or-tails with it, and be bored again..but no matter. Then I would just have to come up with something new to do. Like call old friends!

And man do I miss them. I don't think that they realize they are all on my mind every single day that passes. I worry sick about them, just like I had when I saw them every day in the past. Sometimes I feel like it will be years and years until they start to fade away. Part of me never wants that to happen, the other part is asking if that's already happened with them. I want to see those kids become something truly amazing. From what I learned from them all the years we were together, each of them were the most unique individuals I had ever, and will ever meet. No one in our group was the same. I kinda pretended I was the Momma, because I seemed to always be thinking like one. With my worry wort personality, and always had the concerned conscience voice screaming in the back of my head, I thought I would drive my friends nuts. We were all brothers and sisters that loved each other that way. All we cared about was attempting to see one another everyday, and make the days always count. There was always something different to do, but we chose to do the same things over and over. Which, when I think about it now, was really okay.

We all had rough spots, and some scary ones. But, when it all adds up, we were just kids being kids. Going to shows, driving too fast, staying out late, etc. That's what we did! There was even a train bridge involved but we won't go into detail.

I always wonder to myself what would happen if I just mosied on back. Sat down to play some Halo with the old crew, and picked up on laughing at stupid things just one more time. I even get to the point where I'm nearly hovering the "call" button on my phone, but hesitate for the fear of being rejected. Or maybe it's something else stopping me, who knows.

At any rate, if you were wondering, I am now calm and feeling totally capable in taking on life once more. If I were a therapist, and my patient was on their last leg, pleading for advice of what they need to do to settle their wonky selves down, I would simply say "Blog, ya wonky."

If I decided to write a blog for every time I had a moment of insanity, I would nearly be finished with my first novel in the past week. Try walking a mile in Holland's shoes.