Feeling of Freedom

Ahhh... Assumptions. Let's all assume something, shall we? C'mon..we're human. It's a terrible thing, yes?
I think so too.
We all love how people assume something about us. They think they know just what makes us tick. I've stated too much of myself that I'm not even sure I want it to be true anymore. I've said things I really shouldn't have to some, possibly in a way just to make them appreciate me a little bit more. "Why do you do that to yourself?" I ask myself often. In my point of view, that falls into the Degrading category. Glimpsing back at choices I recently made, the feeling that makes me cringe is overwhelming.

So, I close my eyes. Clear my heart. Go to God. Which I've done, and it's perfectly stated in bold in front of me exactly who I am, and exactly who I am not that I thought I was.

The typical me, who I thought was me, would dwell on finding a perfect love. Of course, my flesh took control of this, went raging, and lead me through paths of fear, regret, manipulation, insanity, and lies. Half of which came from my own self. How could I possible allow this to happen or to even thought of it? Where was my spirit?
Truth is, as of now, there's is no sense in finding someone to be compatible with me. There's only one person that loves me enough to the extent of no matter what I do, what I say, how I act, or any small (or huge) mistake I could possibly make, they are always going to have this love for me that no one else can even come close to a comparison with. Of course, it's the Lord. It took me so long to accept this fact. He can literally fill in any gap that I would try to fill on my own by hunting down someone and leave it ending in a train wreck.
Now, I have developed my standards set so high, that anyone who is going to walk into my life is going to be compared with Jesus.
I can't even begin to explain the feeling I have for being such a inconsiderate fool to this gift of such a loving person. I've abused the suffering He went through, all because He loved me to save me from my own selfish tendencies.

Scary, huh? Imagine what's it's like to be the one wearing these shoes.

I love looking at this clean slate in front of me. How beautiful it feels to finally have it in my grasp. My journey gets deeper everyday that passes, and the seed that is inside develops another root. I can see it in my mind, the beginning of a tree is forming with such a small sprout already in perfect view.

This is the beginning of year number two, and I have finally found the one True love of my life and will wait fully on His timing when the one He's created for me takes his first step into my consideration. It feels good to stop taking the reins myself for a change.
I just hope the guy is prepared to stand next to Jesus.

Now, am I prepared to stand next to Jesus?

Nope. So, there's lots of work to do. I'm beginning to get used to God's timing and allowing this present time to focus on introducing myself to..myself. No longer will I feed others assumptions so I can walk around and be the assumed Barbie doll that everyone saw coming.

Who knew a few weeks could change so many thoughts.

There is always a beginning, which means there will always be an end. Sometimes the end comes pretty rough, and leaves a couple battle marks on a persons mind. But through the whole process, there is development, and there is an outcome or reason as to why something had to happen, no matter the case.

The past few days have felt this way for me. My eyes are opening to things around me that if I didn't give myself the chance to think deep, then I would have missed them completely. It's hard to put a grip on it, but at the same time it lets me think "OK. Now I have something to pray about." Anyone can watch things fall apart. It's easy to do, so easy that without even realizing, I can allow myself to do the same thing. When you come to realize, there is always an answer. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been allowing myself to feel helpless recently. I have watched someones life literally fall apart, witnessing one thing after another and the only thing I could think to do was to be thankful I was there with them when it all happened. I'm trusting God more and more that this has to be one of His mysterious ways of working in someones life. I love this person as if they were my whole world, and having to see heart wrenching things occur and bring this person to their knees in tears is something that I never want to see again. It hurt, and still does as I continue to think it through. There is something changing in lives through all of this. Teaching all of us for patience and trust. It's beautiful if you look at it that way. We are all the clay in the potters hands, that is.

At this moment, I know that I need God more than ever. I can only hope for a miracle to keep my hope burning. Bringing someone to their knees really means something much deeper than I believe the human mind can grasp. I'm excited to continue in the chapter and watch a miracle unravel.

Tis Not the End!

Don't think I have forgotten about my beloved bloggage. It seems to be something that takes a little thought, love, and creativity to keep a reader reading.
It matters to me.

I need some brain food and a moment to have some thought process to be capable in putting my thoughts into words. That time is coming shortly.

Friday

if writing a thousand words would get process

if saving every burden through burning truth of reality

what would it take

the falling undergoing trance

the elegance that life takes for granted

from skin and bone to smoke and mirrors

it's not the same as it is here

what am i to say

how am i to walk

without falling, without knowing

when our flame fades out, we'll know how to keep it burning

singeing the core of one's self.

walk backwards, stumble, turn back, whip lash

it takes its toll on a poor humans soul

if this is fate, i'm holding fast

my hands are waiting, shaking

taking on a fearful past

only to tear it all down

the air is no longer dry

instead of choking to survive

there is comfort

life

Mark 8:34

The scripture of Mark 8:34 has really been popping out at me a lot lately. I have yet to read Mark fully, but at random moments of my life this scripture seems to follow me. I've really read it hard this morning, and I finally figured out why.
The scripture says "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me." I never quite understood what taking up the cross meant so I read a little more and found out that the cross of Christ is a symbol of suffering. Of course! It's also the symbol of death, shame, ridicule, rejection, and self-denial. When we as believers take up our cross and follow Christ, we deny our own selves and commit ourselves to these areas of struggling.
Now I completely understand. I sometimes have these temptations to wonder back into my old self, mainly because I get really low in my own world, or just bored out of my wits. This is the moment where you have to get out of that state of mind, and completely forge over to the mind of God. Quite frankly, if I were to wonder back into my old self, doing the same thing I used to do months ago, I would not be getting anywhere. Where I am standing now in this point in my life, I never would have thought I'd be here a year ago.
Where was I a year ago?
Cursing high school.
Hating everyone I looked at.
Smoking a lot of cigarettes.
Almost not graduating.
Lost in a selfish relationship.
No family bondage.
My life was a sugar coated hell.
Where am I a year later?
First year of college, DONE.
Art teaching ahead, DONE.
Out to serve God and live the life that He planned, DONE.
Serving others, DONE.
Loving and attempting to help everyone I see instead of hating them, DONE.
No selfish relationships, a HUGE family of friends and of God, and awaiting this exciting life I have finally allowed God to take control of, DONE DONE DONE.

So, to be honest, I never want to go back to where I used to be! The only thing I want now is pray that everyone I used to do these selfish acts with, would follow God and hang with me again! Yeaaaaaaah...that's a nice dream. It's not impossible either. God works miracles, I'm walking proof.

Wow. I've just gone to show myself through this blog that this is just the beginning. I really do struggle, fall down, cry, get angry, get afraid, and feel worthless. This is the hardest chapter I have ever opened in my life, and I guess that's what makes it exciting. I never know what's going to happen, and so far it's been good. I have to remind myself that God's in control, He's good, and He's merciful. I just want everyone else to see this.

The Brain, the Gut, the Heart.

I haven't blogged in quite sometime, which normally means I haven't been on the anger binge that struck me a month ago that decided to birth this whole ordeal. I'm not complaining for it's like a wonderful vacation of the mind, soul, and body..just not quite Heaven. Ahh and when that day comes, it will be pure painless bliss with no anger whatsoever. No matter what the suffering will take for me to get there.

Actually, a lot has been on this plate of life as of late that I'm surprised I'm not trying to jump off the deep end. The semester is coming to a close, my best friend will be gone for a thousand days, and this is going to be my first summer in my new life. It's pretty scary to think about it like this, and really visualize it but I feel like God is telling me right now "I got your back" no matter how alone I feel physically. That's comforting. I've been thinking a lot this evening about the future. Like I'm jumping forward too quickly, my mind thinking about getting married constantly and wondering if I ever will. Literally, it's one of the main things bugging me day to day, 77% of the time. I mean, I feel old. Some days I look the part totally. But where am I?

There's no real point that I'm trying to make here, just rambling. When I started this entry, I know I had something important to say but the words will not come out.
I'm just getting urges to rush. It makes it hard to hear God and what He wants me to do. I see the difference in myself, the choices I make everyday, and the way I am able to act around people. How and why would anyone want to deny this? Deny Him? I don't see how anyone can walk through life without His guidance. It is physically and mentally impossible for me now, whether I'm alone in it or not.

All I can really feel at this very moment is I need some jazz. A kick in the face. A rush. A soda to my pop. Am I getting it through? I feel like an ex-adrenaline junkie who is in need of a fix. Is that safe to say? Well I'm saying it anyway. I'm beginning to see the ruts behind me, doing the same thing over and over. I want the next chapter to start.

I think He heard me.

No Title.

Sometimes, I really do want a tornado to come and take everything away just so I can start all over with a perfectly clean slate.

Easter is my new favorite holiday

I was wondering to myself this morning while getting ready for church, why isn't Easter celebrated like Christmas is? To me, Easter is just as important, if not more important, then Christmas. The birth of Jesus is totally awesome and all, but the fact that he rose from the dead for us undeserving individuals is just astonishing. It boggles my mind to think "what IF he didn't die..we'd be totally doomed."

I can't emphasize how much I am so thankful that this Easter day has meant so much to me. It's the first year I haven't received an Easter basket, and I'm so happy I didn't! It's not about fancy eggs, the search for them, and a flippin' bunny creepin' in our homes. Which is cute and such, but the meaning of it is so deep that my mind can trail off about it forever.

I'm impressed with myself at this moment, as well. I am blogging without having an inch of anger or sense of needing to rant mindlessly. Just goes to show ya, all you need is Jesus.
You can go ahead and keep rolling your eyes if you think differently, but it's the hard honest truth. No one can make it in life without Him.

This blog is short and to the point. I'm off to bed early tonight to attempt on getting my old healthy sleep pattern back. I hope everyone's Easter Day has been special and full of meaning, just as it has for me.

Crazy is as crazy does

They say that some of the most crazy people are the best ones. I'm going to keep telling myself that until I know it's true. The fact that no one really knows what crazy is, or does, makes it that much easier.

A life like mine would be typical to a lot of American kids. Starts off really good, family feuds begin, things break up, get destroyed, and horrible mind games begin to soar. This doesn't feel like it should be very typical.

When things in life begin to change so fast that you can't stop it, that's when you'll feel the madness in the back of your head telling you "Yeah, you're really on the edge now. Can I shove you? It will be quick and painless, but will bleed forever." I've become so connected with much higher beings for well over a year now and I've seen dramatic changes in my lifestyle. The way I look at people and how I even speak to others are small things that I notice everyday . I don't find some stuff funny like I used to, and sometimes I wonder why I found interest in the things I used to do that were in no way appealing to my overall status. Other times I wonder if I have fallen into someones trick to making me believe something, or how things should be. It makes me sick to hear that thought. Therefore, I do not trust it, and I'm going to keep pushing. Not even if someone I'm close with loses faith and completely draws back from it all.

I said it once, and I'll say it again; I have no idea where I am going in life. I just know that I'm going. It's not gonna stop either. Careers, money, and people are not going to make my life complete. Yes, they are lovely to have around and it makes things a whole lot easier, but the fact is, if anyone is looking for the ultimate happiness, it's with the one and only God.

Done deal.

The first heat must be getting to me

Ever feel like you could crush some bones? Not only in every body you see, but your own? That's how I've been feeling these past few days. I don't know what's working in me, but there is certainly something. I feel sick, but I'm not. I feel tired, but I can't sleep. I want to shake babies, but that's against everything.

What do I do? Babble. Rant. Vent. Because that is why I decided to blog in the first place.
Hey, it's cheaper then anger management.

Why am I so angry all the time anyway? Could it be I've been used, walked on, abused, forgotten, and loved way too much all at the same time? All those extremes can really work wonders on a young gal. What's funny is I rarely show when I have a deep emotion who is disguised as a murder rabbit (like from Monty Python) waiting to kill everything in sight. How do I do it? I'm really asking because I don't have a clue. I spent this whole day doing some serious hard work, like the kind that makes you say "Ouch, my spleen.." in hopes of ventilating this fiery fume within without the use of a keyboard. Didn't work.

I'm slowly beginning to realize that no matter how much I try and cover up the fact that I am happy being alone, I'm seriously not. Not in a sense of dating, just in general. I'm literally a person that needs to be around another sociable people at all times. If I'm not, I get incredibly bored and therefore, I truly lose it. I even pace sometimes. I've tried everything from writing freehand, music, drawing, more music, walking my dog, talking to animals..Eliza Thornberry could do it and that woman was never bored. But how could you get bored with such an irregular shaped head? That has nothing to do with what the purpose of me writing this is, so back to reality.

I'm trying to allow this to help me, but it feels deeper then that. Sometimes I feel that if I moved into an old refrigerator box in an alley downtown, my life would seem more appealing in my own eyes. I could be that creepy chick that creeps into someones life, talks to them a while, gets a quarter, and is content. I would then play heads-or-tails with it, and be bored again..but no matter. Then I would just have to come up with something new to do. Like call old friends!

And man do I miss them. I don't think that they realize they are all on my mind every single day that passes. I worry sick about them, just like I had when I saw them every day in the past. Sometimes I feel like it will be years and years until they start to fade away. Part of me never wants that to happen, the other part is asking if that's already happened with them. I want to see those kids become something truly amazing. From what I learned from them all the years we were together, each of them were the most unique individuals I had ever, and will ever meet. No one in our group was the same. I kinda pretended I was the Momma, because I seemed to always be thinking like one. With my worry wort personality, and always had the concerned conscience voice screaming in the back of my head, I thought I would drive my friends nuts. We were all brothers and sisters that loved each other that way. All we cared about was attempting to see one another everyday, and make the days always count. There was always something different to do, but we chose to do the same things over and over. Which, when I think about it now, was really okay.

We all had rough spots, and some scary ones. But, when it all adds up, we were just kids being kids. Going to shows, driving too fast, staying out late, etc. That's what we did! There was even a train bridge involved but we won't go into detail.

I always wonder to myself what would happen if I just mosied on back. Sat down to play some Halo with the old crew, and picked up on laughing at stupid things just one more time. I even get to the point where I'm nearly hovering the "call" button on my phone, but hesitate for the fear of being rejected. Or maybe it's something else stopping me, who knows.

At any rate, if you were wondering, I am now calm and feeling totally capable in taking on life once more. If I were a therapist, and my patient was on their last leg, pleading for advice of what they need to do to settle their wonky selves down, I would simply say "Blog, ya wonky."

If I decided to write a blog for every time I had a moment of insanity, I would nearly be finished with my first novel in the past week. Try walking a mile in Holland's shoes.

To see, or not to see

It's nearly time for my scheduled sleep, which never works out. I always have these urges to just type away whatever I am instantly thinking about. Whether it be a person, or my cat, I just want to babble. I actually wrote out a nice long blog last night, full of complaining and venting, but decided against posting it. It is now just a lovely draft that I will stumble upon from time to time and debate once again if it should be posted.

It's amazing to see how fast time goes by when you're in college. I'm nineteen years old, but some days I feel like I'm 55. My body doesn't seem to tick the way it used to a year ago, and my mind is literally like a stock market blow out, with my blood like triple shot espresso. Yeah if you can picture that, it's not the prettiest of sites. I get these intense anxiety attacks too, man. If I'm running on just a few hours of sleep and needing some caffeine, it really hits me hard and I feel like I'm about to die..or have a heart attack, which I guess is like the feeling of about to die. Excuse me with my rambling. It's almost eleven.
You see?! This is my problem. Computers. Bah!

Good night.

First Time The Window's Been Open

I have been debating for days now whether to begin blabbing online, mindlessly thinking through a keyboard for any pair of eyes to read. I feel like it could help me a lot, like a venting sort of way. Today felt a little different then usual, so I took it as a hint to do something different. As I'm thinking of what to type, I notice that I can see what keys I hit the most on my keypad. Q, G, and P seem to be the freshest looking and there is a dark spot where my thumb hits the space bar. Mindless typing yet? Let's try something different.
How about describing what triggered me to pour my guts out.

The past few months have been a total roller coaster. I had no idea that I didn't even know who I was. I have spent eighteen years of my life thinking I was going to do one thing, make it big..rule the world blah blah. Then I asked myself "Why? Why am I doing the same thing over and over? Letting the same people tell me what to do? Get walked on by the same crowd? Feel like I need to look a certain way and have a certain aspect on everything everyone does?" All of this seemed stupid to me one after another. I finally realized I needed to stop what everyone else was focusing so much on, ask God for some help, and just let Him have at it. It totally worked.

For some time I thought I was losing it all. I jumped a few cliffs, said my good byes, and walked to a completely different beat then what I was used to. I didn't lose a thing, but only gained the knowledge I longed for all my life that I just couldn't find in school, or with the group I was with everyday. People hated me. They called me a "Two-faced bitch", "Stupid", "Closed minded", "Boring", "Crazy".
I didn't care. Never did. I still loved all of them and to this day I think about every person that has ever been confused as to where I wondered off to. I never feel the anger like I once had, or the fear of taking the chance. If I would have stayed doing the same thing over and over like I was, I would have either:
A) Became famous, and Lady GaGa's best friend
or
B) Stayed living in the same old town, in a beat up apartment, with a dead end job. Probably preggers.

But no. I decided to plan my trips around the world, to England, Philippines, and Australia. I have so many connections now that I never had before. They were all right in front of me but I was ignoring them and trying to please everyone else. Or myself, it's hard to determine.
I think all I am trying to get out is I am okay. Okay with not knowing when something is about to happen, but always remembering that it is good and there's a reason for it. I am sorry for the way I bailed on everyone, but it was for a reason that is truly the hardest thing for me to explain in words. I think it would take novel..or several hours of major bloggage, to get remotely close to the explanation I have. I gave it to God, yo.
It's the best thing I have ever done.