I woke up really early this morning feeling refreshed and happy, even though I barely reached six hours of sleep. I woke up thankful, at peace, and my mind was not racing like it used to just 28 hours ago. I knew Someone was there with me the whole night I slept, even through the odd dreams and distractions that hit during REM.
I want to say that I feel a little off right now, but that just doesn't seem like the right word for the goodness that it really is. Maybe I can say that I feel like I've just got home from the hospital after a massive brain surgery. I think the Surgeon poked around with my heart too while He was at it. I literally feel my mind ticking in a whole new way. The more I think about it, the more it feels like I'm truly living every moment like tomorrow is not promised. Right now, I feel like I should spend some time to describe how truly wonderful this life I have is and how much time I have wasted worrying and putting things aside. I have been given a new life, new eyes, and a new perspective on everything and everyone. My heart feels like it's been injected with love serum and doused in a thick sheet of gold... I'm not even sure how it's still pumping.
I also feel a little weary or like my guards are up so high that I never want to have a mistake in my life ever again, even though there is no stopping that. It's life. Things like that just HAPPEN with or without our own doing. I also feel like something is prodding at me, and I can't put my finger on what it is.
I just pray that all of this comes clear, that my mind will be fully at peace with everything and that I be exactly where the Lord wants me to be.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
I was a mopey Holland today... But! Everything can be fixed when you have a lovely friend to go to who is wise and highly understandable. I feel totally blessed to have someone in my life that is willing to sit with me for a couple hours over coffee, see a few tears, hear a lot of complaining, and still be smiling the whole time knowing that everything is going to be alright in the end.
I feel like I've hit a stone wall the past week, with thoughts of madness, worry, self pity, low self esteem, and a little of every other negative thought that a person would pound on themselves. All you need is a little courage to sit with someone, dump your worries out in front of the two of you, and piece together solutions that have been knocking on your door but you're too caught up in the moment of your feelings to realize what you should do next. Yes, this has totally been me all along.
I'm going to step aside, analyze all of the troubles, set them aside and finally open the door to the solutions that are, daDUH, right there in my face.
Sometimes, it's really hard to decide what to do next.. That's when people and prayer come to play. I'm thinking about taking a drastic step (in my eyes anyway), and getting out of school for awhile. *Gasp!* Really, what's the point of putting so much stress and pressure on yourself when you aren't working for anything. I have no friggin idea what I'm going to do with myself, where I'm going, or what I would like to do as a career. Seriously, a career is the last thing that I have ever thought about. I'm going to be looking for a full time job, get myself together on my own with a couple pals, and let God show me who I am. I always try to take control of everything, but right now the best thing to do is fork it over to God and stop being such a control freak. He knows me better than I know me so He knows where I'm going.. He always has.
Another thing: I've been incredibly hard on myself. I lie to myself every single day, put more weight on my shoulders, and thinking I'm going to die every second. Piff. I think I'm finally ready to take another leap in this chapter just to see where it takes me. It may be quite a while for that matter but God's timing has always been better than my own.
I feel like I've hit a stone wall the past week, with thoughts of madness, worry, self pity, low self esteem, and a little of every other negative thought that a person would pound on themselves. All you need is a little courage to sit with someone, dump your worries out in front of the two of you, and piece together solutions that have been knocking on your door but you're too caught up in the moment of your feelings to realize what you should do next. Yes, this has totally been me all along.
I'm going to step aside, analyze all of the troubles, set them aside and finally open the door to the solutions that are, daDUH, right there in my face.
Sometimes, it's really hard to decide what to do next.. That's when people and prayer come to play. I'm thinking about taking a drastic step (in my eyes anyway), and getting out of school for awhile. *Gasp!* Really, what's the point of putting so much stress and pressure on yourself when you aren't working for anything. I have no friggin idea what I'm going to do with myself, where I'm going, or what I would like to do as a career. Seriously, a career is the last thing that I have ever thought about. I'm going to be looking for a full time job, get myself together on my own with a couple pals, and let God show me who I am. I always try to take control of everything, but right now the best thing to do is fork it over to God and stop being such a control freak. He knows me better than I know me so He knows where I'm going.. He always has.
Another thing: I've been incredibly hard on myself. I lie to myself every single day, put more weight on my shoulders, and thinking I'm going to die every second. Piff. I think I'm finally ready to take another leap in this chapter just to see where it takes me. It may be quite a while for that matter but God's timing has always been better than my own.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The taste of true colors
I tend to over think every time I consider making a new post. But this time, it's strictly going to be the illumination of my mind and what has been intoxicating it. Yes, it is intoxicating.
For the past two years, I have given myself room to figure out my own mind, ticks, motions, and future. I've come to knowing God and listening to other peoples beliefs. I've caught a glimpse of eternal fear and and dubbed to never have encounters with it again. I've also relied on others far too much.. So much that I was completely defeating the purpose of attempting to find myself. I gave up so many things in order to please others, I've created my own masks in ways to cope or distract myself from truly disturbing things, and I've also colored outside the lines of life which normally ended as a mistake, but truthfully I learned some important things that have broadened my perspective and gave me a new outlook on the future.
Let's just get one thing clear: Life is full of choices. You choose this, that, and those. You will NEVER avoid the concept of choice. I have chosen to do the things I feel comfortable with, whether they end terribly or not. People have done much worse things, and have come much further in the end. If one analyzes what they have done thoroughly, they may find it to be quite a beautiful story. Yes, your very own adventure that you CHOSE to create with every thought and decision you took. Then you can look at yourself again and accept the fact that you are not, nor ever will be, perfect. If you attempt, you will go nuts, you will end up hating yourself, and life will be too much for you to bare. There is only one perfect being, and you know exactly Who I am talking about.
I've had a bit of a shake up as of late, and noticed how imperfect the people I love are. It truly made me honored to look upon myself and pick out my imperfections to avoid my human minds attempt to pick people to pieces. The only thing that kept me focused was the fact that no matter what I do or think or even attempt, God is going to be there. He already knows what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, and exactly how this post is going to end and who is going to read it.
My biggest pinpoint is that everyone should stop analyzing others lives as a thin sheet of glass. They shouldn't look at someone and think "Oh, it's going to be tragic for them.." How awful and selfish to do such a thing! I've caught myself doing this in the past, and realized how sick I felt afterwards. Does this feeling not settle on anyone else? I'm a little disturbed by those who I put a lot of trust in. It's taught me to not rely on those of whomever, but to lean against the Lord and all that He does.
This past month, I've made a new friend and it's someone that I feel God led me to and allowed me to realize what a wonderful person they can be despite their past. Everyone needs someone to talk to to..and when there is no one, God will send someone if it is requested. I'm putting this puzzle together that no one is capable in seeing but Him, so the only thing they know to do is raise an eyebrow, attempt to judge innocently, or act in a sense of subconscious jealousy. It hurts me to watch this, and feel what I felt this past weekend in the people who I thought loved me. I wasn't the only person, seeing that affected my very own sister. We each felt it just as strong that it brought her to tears. The assumptions of others is truly a poison that can be looked at just as terribly as jealousy is considered.
We are all human. It's not my place to point fingers out of anger or call someone out by name.. All I can merely do is look to God and pray for those in situations as such, and for myself to get through these thoughts that make me want to walk away. No one is the victim in this, yet everyone is. That's human nature for you.
For the past two years, I have given myself room to figure out my own mind, ticks, motions, and future. I've come to knowing God and listening to other peoples beliefs. I've caught a glimpse of eternal fear and and dubbed to never have encounters with it again. I've also relied on others far too much.. So much that I was completely defeating the purpose of attempting to find myself. I gave up so many things in order to please others, I've created my own masks in ways to cope or distract myself from truly disturbing things, and I've also colored outside the lines of life which normally ended as a mistake, but truthfully I learned some important things that have broadened my perspective and gave me a new outlook on the future.
Let's just get one thing clear: Life is full of choices. You choose this, that, and those. You will NEVER avoid the concept of choice. I have chosen to do the things I feel comfortable with, whether they end terribly or not. People have done much worse things, and have come much further in the end. If one analyzes what they have done thoroughly, they may find it to be quite a beautiful story. Yes, your very own adventure that you CHOSE to create with every thought and decision you took. Then you can look at yourself again and accept the fact that you are not, nor ever will be, perfect. If you attempt, you will go nuts, you will end up hating yourself, and life will be too much for you to bare. There is only one perfect being, and you know exactly Who I am talking about.
I've had a bit of a shake up as of late, and noticed how imperfect the people I love are. It truly made me honored to look upon myself and pick out my imperfections to avoid my human minds attempt to pick people to pieces. The only thing that kept me focused was the fact that no matter what I do or think or even attempt, God is going to be there. He already knows what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, and exactly how this post is going to end and who is going to read it.
My biggest pinpoint is that everyone should stop analyzing others lives as a thin sheet of glass. They shouldn't look at someone and think "Oh, it's going to be tragic for them.." How awful and selfish to do such a thing! I've caught myself doing this in the past, and realized how sick I felt afterwards. Does this feeling not settle on anyone else? I'm a little disturbed by those who I put a lot of trust in. It's taught me to not rely on those of whomever, but to lean against the Lord and all that He does.
This past month, I've made a new friend and it's someone that I feel God led me to and allowed me to realize what a wonderful person they can be despite their past. Everyone needs someone to talk to to..and when there is no one, God will send someone if it is requested. I'm putting this puzzle together that no one is capable in seeing but Him, so the only thing they know to do is raise an eyebrow, attempt to judge innocently, or act in a sense of subconscious jealousy. It hurts me to watch this, and feel what I felt this past weekend in the people who I thought loved me. I wasn't the only person, seeing that affected my very own sister. We each felt it just as strong that it brought her to tears. The assumptions of others is truly a poison that can be looked at just as terribly as jealousy is considered.
We are all human. It's not my place to point fingers out of anger or call someone out by name.. All I can merely do is look to God and pray for those in situations as such, and for myself to get through these thoughts that make me want to walk away. No one is the victim in this, yet everyone is. That's human nature for you.
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